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Feeling Suicidal is Actually Our Ego Dying



If you think about it, the Ego is our identity, or how we identify in relation to other. It can be another person, a situation...it is the definition we have written about ourselves through how others treat us and what others have said, media, relationships and what we believe about ourselves.


In great awakenings there can be a sensation that death would be better than how life is in this moment.


The key is, to remember, this death that your mind is calling for, is a death to the definitive story you have written about yourself. A death to the old you, making room for the new version of self to burst through.


It can be nearly impossible to realise this in the moment because the emotional pain can feel overpowering, and debilitating . In addition, every single pathway in your brain is conditioned to believe those negative thoughts spinning in your head about yourself. It's habitual....and it is ok and in my opinion completely normal preceding these great awakenings.


Many of you have witnessed me going through shift after shift, awakening after awakening through my life. Many times I had suicidal thoughts. Many times I acted on those thoughts and nearly died.

It was through those experiences I came to realise that it was my ego dying as my soul was growing into the new creature I had become. My old identity or ego wasn't ready to let go of what it new so well as itself, so it was all fired up, slinging all kinds of self hatred to get me to stay the same. It would rather me dead than to even think about me transforming and leaving it. Not at all unlike an abusive relationship!

Those feelings are real in the sense that they are extremely painful and debilitating. They are a signal that there is a critical moment, of life or death. If you make it out alive, if you can hold onto just a sliver of hope that what I am sharing is true and you are in fact transforming; like a butterfly growing new wings, and growing these new wings is awkward and painful and ridiculously confusing; I promise you, the new frontier you are stepping into will be a miraculous shift from where you were before.

The other thing to remember, sweet one, is that this does not have to be done alone.

There are hundreds of thousands of us out there that have grown our wings, ripped them off and grown them again and again, and we are here. We are all around you. There is a good chance you know who we are. Reach out. The wild thing is, it isn't because they are going to say the perfect words to fix you, it is because sharing your truth of what you are feeling and thinking with someone that can really hold space and accept all of you, the fullness of you, the complete beuatiful mess of you...is a the Grace that the Ego can't overpower.


Some religions have confessions, AA has a 4th step, therapists hold space for it all day long. I am convinced, it is the unconditional loving ears that are hearing everything you feel guilty or ashamed of, and reminding you that you are still perfectly ok and worthy and loveable, because you are, that is true grace.


It may be a therapist, a sponsor, a friend you trust, a rabbi a priest.... or you may just write it down in your journal for now....or maybe all that can come out are some colors running together in drippy paint or scribbles of marker or crayon.


The important thing is to get your true honest feelings into the light of infinite grace.


I am not claiming to be any type of therapist, all I know is my own experience, as well as countless others I have had the honour of witnessing sprout their new wings.... hold on. it gets so much better....so, so ,sooooo much better.


I love hearing from you. How do you get through those moments of tremendous growth that can feel like death? Your responses can be valuable to others that are in pain right now.


Love, Gracie

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