I recently finished this piece. It is mainly about dispelling the belief that anything is or ever could be impossible. There are so many conditioned mindsets that can hold us back.
There is another meaning that is closer to home for me that I want to share.
Its about this ideal of beauty that I was conditioned with. I've learned so much about the many ways I have thoughts of my personal inferiority. I can blame magazines or media or people that just simply taught me their beauty ideals or times I have been abandoned for others more beautiful.
The thing is, as I get older, and I am doing this noticing of the way my mind thinks, I am realising it was all my ideals of what was beautiful and that really, there are not many people that are as rigid in what beauty is to them, as I am to myself.
Early on in elementary school one year our yearbook had best looking as an option. I remember receiving that title, at the very same time I had gone from long hair to short hair.
I had such mixed emotions. To me, to be pretty or good looking gave me worth and value, and I was certain that everyone was thinking that they had voted wrong, now that my hair was short. I was humiliated, embarrassed, ashamed that I could no longer carry that title and I felt deeply guilty that I had screwed up everyone's yearbook by being the one that used to be the best looking.
You can see how attached to my identity my appearance was. Most of my life it has been that way.
If someone said that I looked beautiful or pretty, I would wonder the next day if they still felt the same.
About 7 years ago I shaved my head, partly to help disassociate from that identity. It exasperated my attachment and I became suicidal very quickly. There were other factors involved, but my identity with my ideal of beauty was a large factor.
As my body has been changing with age, and I have been working on all of those painful and false belief systems, I have come to notice that what was beautiful to me at one time, is still beautiful, however there is so much more that I now see as beautiful, that I just didn't acknowledge before.
I see my family all sitting at the table together or making music together and I think of how beautiful it is. I feel clean sheets or an early morning thunderstorm as I drink my coffee and I am immersed in the beauty of it all. I see someone grieving over loosing love, or excited over new love in their life...both are exquisite and beautiful. The way my cat follows me from room to room...beautiful. The way plants respond to my gaze, the light that comes through the window at that certain time of day, the way that blanket feels on my skin, the sound of laughter in the other room...there is just so much beauty.
I can hardly believe how much I missed in my lifetime.
Pigs were one of those things I just did not see as beautiful. And here I am, absolutely enamoured with the beauty of the pig.
What is beauty to you?
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